Valentine’s Day: Relationships as you evolve in your parent roles

I’ve realized over the last 6 months how much my husband and I have grown individually. And therefore as a couple. It puts a smile on my face and this feeling in my heart of deeper love I haven't felt before.

Because. Becoming parents. Then growing as a parent. Then being in a relationship AND being a parent. Then growing as a partner. And doing this ALL AT THE SAME TIME, is A LOT of f%$king work. Like SO much work it's insane! And specifically when you're in the thick of the early years of parenting. 

I’m laughing as I write this because a) It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m certain people were expecting a feel good post (don't worry, it’ll come) and b) I’m being very blunt, a bit aggro, a bit dramatic, and a lot truthful and that makes me laugh (slightly uncomfortable laugh).

Being right in the dead thick of early parenting days for us was super triggering for both of us. We are two people that appreciate order (in and amongst our laid back outer facade). So the chaos that ensues with three children pulling at two people (or one person as we spell each other off) brought on such ungrounding feelings. Combine that with lack of sleep, careers we care about, and wanting to ‘excel’ at our parenting game, left little time to focus on growing our relationship.

Smitty and I used to make short term, medium term and long term goals together. During our wedding, our goal was to stand together in the face of stress and be a team. During our early parenting years, we literally did the opposite. We would stand dead opposite corners in a room and plow through our stress individually, in our own way, being quite stubborn along the way and not supporting one another. 

Now friends, I'm sounding VERRRRRRRY negative nancy pants here, I know. And it was not all doom and gloom. Just most of it. JUST KIDDING. I really am teasing. My point is, I never once questioned my love for my husband. There was a lot of times I didnt LIKE him though. I remember one Valentines Day I sent him a card and said ‘its a good thing I love you so much because I don't really like you right now.’

AND SO what did we do?

We’ve gone to couples counseling after each baby. It's a space where we can communicate effectively as if we werent doing that with insomnia induced fried brain cells. This allowed us to pop up to the surface of the water and breathe a bit. We also got away for a night or a weekend or even a dinner once in a while, just the two of us. This also allowed us to rekindle our friendship and love prior to jumping back into the deep end when returning home. 

And then without even knowing it, the kids have grown and we’ve been able to take more breaths. And through life events and reaching out for individual help (whatever that looks like), we’ve been able to grow as individuals. I personally talk to a mentor of mine each quarter. Check in. Dive deep into who I am as a person, go into the ‘hows’ and ‘whys’ of the way I function in my relationships including with my children and my husband. I believe self growth has been key to growing together. As a couple. As a family. 

And slowly I recognize that we can have blow outs that last 10 minutes vs 2 days. We can come to the table and say sorry when we are. Smitty is SO good and has taught me to ask ‘how can I help?’ AND we actually take the help from each other! We laugh. Smitty is so funny. It's a text message during the day, a night out once in a while, a look between us when the kids say something, or how he interacts with the kids. These are all things I recognize as such good things for us in a positive direction.

We have ALOTTTTTTTAAA growing to do together still. And individually. This journey never ends really. And we are just about to get into a renovation, growing careers, and continuing to navigate different stages of life with our kids. 

I recognize everyone has different stories in this stage of life. This is mine! And I wanted to share it as I feel like I would NEVER have guessed how tough it could be and sharing this may reach someone who resonates with this. Lastly - (here's my happy ending) - I want to wish my husband an incredible Valentine's Day. Here's to holding hands. Here's to making each other laugh. My heart is so full of love for who you are and all that you are willing to learn about yourself. So often we say ‘love you’ when we get off the phone and know that every single time, my heart skips a beat and feels deeper for you!

Happy Valentine's Day Smitty! Love you!